I have been avoiding my blog for a while. I have gotten a lot of questions as to why. And there are a lot of answers.
I think one of the obvious reasons is I lost my momentum. I started to feel like all of this was a job, and a not fun job at that. I stopped seeing results, I got frustrated, I got tired, and what killed it was I didn’t have my support to back me anymore.
Today is a year since Jake and I broke up, and even though I am over it, I can’t say that this blog doesn’t remind me of him when I look at it. So much of this blog included him. And so much of my healthier me adventure had him in the background. It got hard when I lost that.
That sounds like I depended on him too much, and I didn’t… I still have the drive but sometimes it gets boring by yourself.
This year has been a year of dating. A year of finding all the people I DON’T want to be a with. A year of feeling like I am some big weirdo that has hobbies that don’t go together and that the person I am looking for is a unicorn, and most likely probably not in Brooklyn, heck, probably not even in NYC. I mean seriously, you know you’ve looked high and low when you meet someone from the Bronx (no offense, but thats like a long distance relationship lol)
This year turned out to be a really hard year, and for reasons that a lot of people don’t know. I honestly never wanted to talk about it, because my family reads this, because my friends read this, and because well enough people read this and I don’t want phone calls, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want you to ask me any questions about it (Dad), I have already talked about it, and I am okay. But then I realized I should talk about this because I am not the only one that has been through it.
This year was hard because I was basically assaulted by someone I trusted. Someone that I thought was a good person. Someone that made me question my judgement on people. And he hurt me enough to make it so that there was a good amount of time that I couldn’t work out.
We worked out together, he was actually a person that pushed me, he was there the first time I squatted 205. Heck he was the one that filmed it. He was a cool person that liked me, that I had things in common with and was a lot of fun. We could talk for hours, he lived close, he used to drive me to work in his giant jeep when it snowed and I couldn’t ride my scooter and he understood where I was mentally and what I needed at the time, so I thought.
His downfall, he worked on military ships. I met him when he had a few months off, but then he got a job on some giant radar ship and had to sit in the middle of the ocean for two months. We kept in touch, he texted me every morning before he went on his shift, I wasn’t waiting for him, but I suppose I wasn’t actively looking for someone to replace him either. It all changed when he came home though. When he came home he was a different person. He was mean, and he took advantage of the situation. He was huge and a lot stronger than me. That time I squatted 205, he was squatting over 500. When I dropped the bar, he picked it up with one arm and just re-racked it like it was 10 pounds. and he used all that to his advantage, and then he walked out when I said stop.
I feel like a jerk because i didn’t take the situation to where it should have gone. I texted him that he hurt me, and then I let him slide and go on with his life. I felt like I wasn’t going to win, I didn’t want to keep talking about it, and I didn’t want to have to go through the hoops I would have to jump through to get him in trouble. I also didn’t think he hurt me as bad as he did. I figured I would give it a week or two and my back would be fine, I would just take some time off from heavy lifting and I’d be back to it in no time….
I was wrong. That was in May… I am not saying I am still hurt, but sometimes it still acts up.
You are probably wondering why I am talking about it now and on here, when I just said I didn’t want to talk about it.
It’s because I realized the other day when I was sitting there thinking about how I failed this year… about how I didn’t meet any of my goals, and about how I gave up on this blog. That I did what I had to do, and that I didn’t fail, I just had new things I had to tackle.
I probably lost a lot of my readers by now. I probably disappointed a lot of people by losing sight of my goals, but I had other things I needed to be strong about this year and there is always next year to get back to reaching the goals I have to improve my outside.
I guess this year I didn’t get physically stronger, but I got mentally stronger. And while I didn’t do everything right, I still know I was strong enough to say no, I was strong enough to realize things had to end, and I was strong enough to confront the person that was originally so much stronger than me.
I have no clue where he is, probably on another ship in the middle of no where. I hope that the conversation that we had after the fact changed him. I am scared that it didn’t. I hope that he never does to someone else what he did to me, and it sucks that I can’t promise that because I didn’t go through the motions of reporting it. But I also in a way think that he didn’t mean for it all to happen and got embarrassed.
I just hope that everyone does end up as strong as me, or stronger than me even, and doesn’t let something like that keep happening to them. And knows that no matter what, they are better than any person that decides to hurt them for their own pleasure. You are stronger than anyone else that says “you should just take it” or calls you selfish for saying no.
It is never selfish saying stop, it is never mean to say no. If you are not comfortable say it. And if that person walks out on you, take that as a good thing, because you don’t need that in your life. No one deserves that ever. I realize that it is hard, I only told a few close people. I am just glad that I understand my worth, and I know I am worth more than him, or anyone willing to harm someone, be it physically or mentally. At some point I blamed myself because there was a moment there that I was being self destructive. (I bought a motorcycle 2 weeks later, you be the judge lol) But when something like that happens, it’s never your fault, even if in the beginning it is totally consensual. Please remember that.
So now that we are close to reaching the end of 2014, I am both happy and sad. I am ready for a new year to start and hopefully get better. I am hoping to start reaching more of my goals that had been pushed aside this year, and I hope that I keep getting stronger. Maybe even finally meet that perfect lifting partner for me, that isn’t allergic to cats, and can also appreciate my style and other hobbies as well…. and preferably has a shaved head, doesn’t really drink much, doesn’t do drugs, has tattoos, will let me paint them up like a zombie sometimes, and will run a tough mudder with me and lives in or near Bushwick, Brooklyn. okay thats a lot, but a girl can dream can’t she?
there are probably a lot of typos in here, and I am sure could be edited, but honestly I don't want to read this over and over. I hope that the message is still there.